I doubt if you’d ever see this but I’ll say it anyway.
I sometimes wonder how things would turn out if I hadn’t made that move to approach you when you were alone outside the scgs hall 5 years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t be hurting today, and maybe I’d be a much happier person. (JUST maybe)
But I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for you. Before I knew it, you became an intrinsically important part of my life. And before I knew it (further) I fell for you so hard, so fast, so deep that I do not see the end of this abyss after all these years. And my free fall hasn’t stopped, and I haven’t even started to climb out of it.
But I do know one thing, though. Had I not made the move to get to know you, I bet I’d still be regretting it today. Because back when I first met you that was how much I was attracted to you.
I do not have the courage to say this to you face to face, but really, although I’ve said this to you many times for different reasons; thank you. For everything you’ve done for me. Even if you would not accept my love, or even my thanks, I would say it anyway. I love you, and thank you. I only hope that someday you’d find that person who would really care for you and love you. (Even though… I am here for you.)
Well. I guess that’s another big chunk of my heart and soul gone. Sigh maybe getting callused isn’t that bad after all.
Despite everything… I still miss you very much.
What’s the price of loving someone? I have no idea how much more this is gonna cost me. Now even being friends is difficult. Seeing her reminds me just how much I feel for her and how she will never regard me as someone more than a friend to her. And it cuts real deep.
So, pop a beer, and a pill. For now that’s the only solution I got.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt depressed. Today… just brought me down so far.
I guess sometimes it takes a real wake up call to tell you what’s needed to be done.
I had a strange dream the night before. It stirred & brought up many feelings. To sum it up, it felt as though someone unknown in the dream is telling me to keep trying, but how is it possible seeing
that things are how they are now?
Sigh. Why is this all happening? What in the world is going on?
Once again, I come back here. I realise that this place merely serves as a means for me to release some of my woes and thoughts.
For some reason, today’s a day which brought me back to my old cynical, pessimistic outlook on life. Maybe it’s just fatigue kicking in, but still.
A friend told me very recently that I shouldn’t think about what can’t be, cause it can’t be. Yeah sure, there are many things that I want to be, or things that I want to achieve. But not everybody is cut out to do everything. I mean, for example, I can’t be Batman. O.o I can’t become famous cause of releasing some stupid, mindless, skulduggery which strangely, people nowadays label as music. This I can understand; and these things, I can let go.
But there are also things which I thought I’ve let go, but I haven’t. And all I can say is, pure, unadulterated Love can be both a good and bad thing. It can be wine, maturing and becoming more delicious with each year (with the proviso of proper storage) or it can be poison which becomes more lethal over time. And to sum it up, for me it’s the latter. And I’m not sure when am I able to extract it all out. I guess I can only rough it out, for now. And continue searching for the answers I seek.
When it rains, it pours.
Been awhile since I’ve posted here, I guess it never bodes well when I do.
Sometimes it takes the lack of freedom to make you realise what you want out of life, and what you really wanna do. Also, for some people it may also point to whom they wish to spend their life with, but for myself, uh… not exactly there yet.
The Bucket List, the list of “things-I-must-do-before-I-die” that (not all) people keep. For myself, having an obligation to serve the nation (albeit unwillingly) has helped me realised many of the things that I wanna do in my life. Many things that I should have done years ago when I had all that time. It’s not exactly that I’m old, in fact I just turned 19 two days ago. But I just rue all that lost time I spent moping around and wasting my life away. Now though, not anymore.
Thus I try to be more positive about what I post here from now on. Hopefully this would provide me with an avenue to exercise my creative juices or to merely get certain thoughts out of my mind. It’s no use moping around forever; kid’s gotta grow up someday. (But I still very much hold an ill-disposition towards National Service. See? My grasp of the English Language is not as good as before)
So to whoever follows this blog and somehow or other manage to read this, I hope I’m able to help you take away something from this. Carpe Diem! Life is short, cherish it, live your life to the fullest. Get out there, do awesome air kicks or indulge in your interests or whatever whenever time permits. And get this, THERE IS ALWAYS TIME TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU REALLY WANNA DO. Cause if you really wanna do it, you’d make the effort to go AND DO IT! (I’m currently working on my own manga and investing some of my time and money to try and compose my own trance song. I’ve also taken up drumming lessons to further my self-taught technique; despite serving two obligatory years of national service full-time.)
So yeah, I guess times are gonna change. This page would no longer serve as the ‘harbinger of destruction’.